thoughts
On this day last year, I wrote a blog post about my hatred of weddings. In the same post I made it perfectly clear that, at that point in my life, I had no interest in getting married and was incredibly happy being single. Well, folks, this has been quite a year, and I have an important announcement to make.
I still feel exactly the same way. Sorry to disappoint some of you (cough *my mother* cough), but these past 365 days have actually made me even more content on my road to spinsterhood. However, some of you (cough *my mother* cough) are under the impression that the only reason I’m not fighting off suitors with a parasol whilst reclining on my fainting couch is that I’m just not putting forth enough effort (as opposed to the obnoxious personality I’ve spent years cultivating to scare away men). And to that, I have one response. Yeah. Duh. I’m not putting effort into a relationship because I have no interest in one at the moment. But, because I’m a good daughter (and I need to borrow $20), I’m going to take my mother’s advice and put myself out there. So I now present, for your reading pleasure, a list of the 10 reasons why any man would be lucky to date me. 1. I’m a huge fan of alone time. So if you ever want to hang out with your friends, or just do your own thing, I am 100% fine with that. In fact, I encourage it. 2. Pizza, sweatpants, and Netflix will always be considered a better date than fancy food, real pants, and an overpriced movie theater. 3. I have horrible IBS, so I won’t be at all phased by any of your gross bodily functions. (I also always know where all the cleanest bathrooms are when going on long car trips.) 4. I listen to a huge variety of music, so no matter what you want to listen to, I’m cool with it. Unless it’s Taylor Swift. Then I will politely but firmly ask you to leave. 5. With two exceptions, I’m still friends with all of my ex-boyfriends. So they can confirm that, while I have unlimited “crazy ex-girlfriend” potential, I rarely unleash it. It also means that I’m not going to demand that you un-friend all of your former girlfriends on Facebook. 6. The more interests you have outside of our relationship, the better. I try to read for at least four hours every day, so you’re going to need something you can do during that time that doesn’t involve talking to me. 7. I usually make a good first impression on parents, but if you leave me alone with your family for more than two minutes, I will drag you to every single one of my family’s dinners until the end of time. 8. I don’t like people touching me, so I won’t expect you to cuddle with me, especially when it’s 100 degrees outside. You’re welcome. 9. I’m not a fan of surprises, so you never have to worry about the pressure of trying to plan some big party for me for any reason. If I want a party, I’ll take care of it myself. 10. A long-distance relationship is basically my dream come true, so if you have a job that requires you to travel a lot or move away, we’ll work out just fine. And, if you need a little more persuasion to slide into my DMs (Did I use that phrase right? Am I hip now?), here are a few special skills I possess. 1. I know all of the words to “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy. 2. I can gargle the “Star-Spangled Banner.” 3. I can survive for at least a week on Wheat Thins and Dr. Pepper. (I’m not sure if this is a special skill, but it might come in handy if I’m ever stranded in the woods with a box of Wheat Thins and a case of Dr. Pepper.) 4. I can read someone’s romantic intentions within 30 minutes of meeting them, so you won’t have to waste time trying to impress me. By the time we’re done with dinner, I’ll already know how many weeks we’ll last before you run screaming. Well, that pretty much sums it up. If you read through all of that and believe that I’m the girl for you, then I suggest you immediately contact a mental health professional. And if, after extensive therapy, you still want to hit me up, don’t. Because I still don’t want a boyfriend. I might change my mind one day, but until then, set your sights elsewhere.
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Jacinta M. CarterProfessional Book Nerd Archives
March 2019
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