thoughts
Those of you who’ve been here since I started this blog have already read about my anxiety. It’s the voice in my brain that convinces me to constantly panic about absolutely everything. It’s always there, taking up valuable space, despite countless attempts at serving it eviction notices. Occasionally, Anxiety brings a guest. Depression. Every time this happens, Depression crashes for a few weeks and fights with Anxiety at every turn, but eventually storms out, vowing to never return. They’re the ultimate toxic couple. Well recently, Depression has overstayed its welcome, and I believe that it and Anxiety have ordered bunk beds with the intention of making both of them permanent occupants of my brain. While I’ve grown somewhat used to Anxiety and have medication to help keep it from taking over, Depression knocks me on my ass. Every time. It is currently 9:30 p.m. on Thursday, and I haven’t left my apartment since 7:30 p.m. on Sunday. Well, that’s not exactly true. I made it out for an hour on Monday because I’d promised to have lunch with a friend/co-worker, and I’ve bailed on her far too often, so I forced myself out, though I can’t imagine I was great company. I’ve also had no contact with the outside world other than a Snapchat conversation that I regretted even as it was happening. After that, I shoved my phone under a pillow and pretended it didn’t exist. Sometimes there’s a reason for Depression to show up, as though my brain has sent out a personalized invitation, requesting its presence to help me shut down mentally and emotionally until some sort of trauma has passed. But this time, it came without warning. I have no idea why I’ve spent the past few weeks feeling lost, hopeless, and like getting out of bed isn’t worth the effort. But I think I know why it’s sticking around so long. I’ve made it perfectly clear how I feel about romantic relationships, and I continue to stand by that. But every once in awhile, my heart betrays my brain. (To my former roommate, who is a nurse, I know that your actual physical heart doesn’t really dictate romantic feelings. I know that it’s really your brain that causes all of this nonsense. But I feel like I blame my brain for enough things, so I’m letting it off the hook on this one.) Anyway. For the past several months, I’ve been living in the blissed-out world of infatuation. Despite my disbelief in love, I developed a full-blown crush on a guy who is basically everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. We talked and texted constantly and everything seemed to be going perfectly. But then Depression showed up, lugging suitcases filled with doubt, sabotage, self-loathing, guilt, and all of those other great emotions that cause you to believe you’re not worth someone else’s time. And I fell for it. Like I always do. So I backed off. I gave him the space that I’d convinced myself he wanted. When we talked, I made comments that made it clear that relationships are pointless and love can’t exist in this world. And as a result, he moved on. Now, before I continue, let me make something 100% clear. I am not currently depressed because my heart is broken. I was already depressed, my heart broke, and now I’m still depressed. Not more or less. Just equally as depressed as I was before. Which brings me to the real purpose of this post. I have a pretty awesome roommate, who also happens to be one of my cousins. And after a day of letting me mope around, sighing dramatically, he decided it was time to start a show we’d both heard about, but hadn’t watched. So we started to watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. For those of you who have no idea what this show is about, the theme song sums it up pretty well. Yeah, it’s a musical comedy, so it’s not for everyone. But it’s definitely amazing.
And in this show, and the main character, Rebecca, I found myself. Like Rebecca, I’ve lost parts of myself in an attempt to convince a guy to fall for me. Like Rebecca, I’ve buried my own mental health issues in order to appear normal and happy to everyone around me, especially this guy. Like Rebecca, I’ve allowed Depression to create enough doubt in myself to sabotage what could have been a really good thing. We’ve watched all three seasons over the course of the past few days, and in all honesty, I’ll probably rewatch all of it again over the weekend. Because this show deals with mental health issues in a way I’ve never seen before on television. So many of the seemingly crazy decisions Rebecca makes throughout the series are similar to things I’ve done. All of her mental and emotional breakdowns felt so real to me because I’ve experienced the same sorts of breakdowns on several occasions. And while our stories don’t exactly run parallel to one another, the way we react in various situations are frighteningly similar. Especially when it comes to fighting through a bout of depression. For the past few weeks, I’ve had to force myself to get out of bed every day. Most days, I just lie there and stare at my ceiling for hours, wondering if there’s really any point to getting up. I finally set an alarm on my phone to remind myself that I have to eat at least once every day, because otherwise, I just forget to do it. When I have to interact with other people, I plaster on some semblance of a smile, attempt to focus on anything other than how exhausted I feel, and try to find a way to answer questions with something other than just constantly repeating that I’m fine. Watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has helped. During the hours I’ve spent in front of this show, I felt seen and understood. I found a friend in Rebecca. I had someone who knew what it was like to want someone to help push away the clouds of depression while simultaneously fear that you’re burdening them by being anything less than perfect. I know that it sounds stupid to think that a television show can offer a temporary cure for a serious mental health issue, but that’s where I’m at right now. Though I feel better while I’m watching the show, I can’t keep it with me at all times. Which means that I’m going to have to keep working to pull myself out of this one. I have no idea if it’s going to take a few more days or if it’s planning to stay around for months. I never know. Every time, all I can do is just try to ride it out. Unlike my anxiety, I haven’t managed to find any kind of antidepressant that doesn’t completely numb me to everything. Which is sometimes fine, but also makes it slightly difficult to pretend to function like a normal human. So I guess what I’m trying to say with this post is that people suffer depression for a variety of reasons and we all have our own ways of trying to deal with it. My current way is to binge-watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend repeatedly. I don’t know if it will continue to work long enough to see me through this one, but I’m willing to give it a shot. It is, after all, the healthiest way I’ve ever tried to overcome the advances of Depression. So if it works, I’ll see you all when I’m finally able to leave my house without feeling completely overwhelmed. And if it doesn’t work, well, I guess I’ll just go back to bed and stare at the ceiling. (One final note: I didn’t write this in the hopes of garnering sympathy from anyone. I’m just hoping to show people that depression isn’t something to be ashamed of, because it can happen to anyone for a variety of reasons.)
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Jacinta M. CarterProfessional Book Nerd Archives
March 2019
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